Lebogang Sewela
A heart of darkness When streams won’t flow any more, that moment when you feel like your soul is absconding in you and you try so hard to latch it but it’s just too late and it hits you that you’ve been knocked. That moment when you are trying to hold on tight to something valuable because you believe in it, but then again you still can see that that something is fragmented. But the solid love, patience, perseverance that resides within your heart refutes you from forgoing the rope. You keep on holding on and holding on with Hopes that the streams will flow again. You rely on this Hope that seems to be the only thing left. When you think that “Hope” has got your back, yet it also disappoints you when it loses the battle and decays. In this above scenario one cannot help but feel defeated. There’s nothing to fight for and now everything is deemed, and the heart remains to be in darkness. This is not anyone’s story, it’s my story, I own it and I’m about to share it with you. I’m a whole being, with a lot of “Peaces” in me (that’s how I named them), all these are like puzzles; you put them together they become part of me and bring literal peace to my soul. For example one “peace” can be God; others could be a close friend, my parents, my relationship, my siblings, my career, church etc. So now if one gets eradicated then the void will dwell in my soul, taking over the place. The sad part is that life is unpredictable and sometimes our plans are not aligned with God’s plans and we get disenchanted along the way. Unfortunately there are going to be days when misfortunes occur unexpectedly, they will knock you down and leave you with no hope, feeling lost, confused, petrified and I can testify. I lost one “peace” of mine in recent days and I had one of those days when life seems to be meaningless. Every “peace” to me has significance and it is precious or else it wouldn’t be there, so losing it seems like a plane crash. I am still crushed. I am forced to be alone, because everything is dimmed, there is no sunshine. Every single day is a battle to live because everything has changed and again I’m required to adjust. I have to fight with emotions, irrational thoughts and at the same time have to keep up with my sexy look to maintain my dignity, because I can’t afford losing it as well. One of the cliché advise you receive is “be strong and move on” forgetting that moving on is a process which means I need to deal with each day as it comes, with its baggage, deal with every emotion as it comes randomly from nowhere because I’m reminded that I’ve lost my “peace” and all this requires energy and strength. Or another will say “time will heal” it must be remembered that when you’re hopeless, you can’t rely on time. This is reality! I started searching for answers, pleading to God to hold my hand as I tackle each day because when I look around everything is dark. I desire to walk anticipating that someone will throw a peace in my heart just to conceal the void or maybe I could go to the doctor and he could perhaps prescribe me a pill that will bring back the joy in me. I keep telling myself that life would be easy if we knew what to do at all time. But still I remain without my “peace” because I’ve lost it. When my peace was there I knew I was not alone and now I can feel that “alone” creeping in every single day and I keep fighting it, but because I have limited strength, it defeats me. I want to resist the urge of crying and yet I can’t help but sit in my room and bemoan because I miss my ‘PEACE”. I feel like a part of me has gone missing. I’ve became a stranger to myself, scared to redefine myself because at the moment I’m dwelling in biased emotions that seem to satisfy my pain and fill the void. I refuse to receive any disparaging remarks; I’m in need of friendly acceptance since this is what I’m feeling. I yearn to live for now and deal with the void slowly and not contemplate about the future when I’m all happy again, but yet again I cannot help but sit in my room and get disheartened. I have not seen light in a while now, sometimes I feel like my emotions and solitude are starting to be contented within me. I’ve lost my “peace”. ‘(I’ve lost my dearly cherished relationship) and as you try to deal with the pain you also need to try to lodge people who impose their opinions that are influenced by their inner acrimony from their past similar experiences. Then you are compelled to stay composed because the opinions just deepen the agony and make you even weaker. So now I wonder whether to express to those who share my thoughts or keep my silence? This is my story. I am mindful of the fact that after this ignominy I’ll come out strong and wiser. But for now my heart remains to be in darkness because I miss my “peace.” Widget is loading comments...
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